Friday, November 9, 2007

Zen and The Art of Chivalry

The other day, a girl told me “chivalry is dead,” and it took all of my willpower to not step on her scattered papers as I pushed past her through the doorway. In all honesty, I probably should have helped her, or at least not opened the door into her head, but I’m sick of hearing that expression. When somebody articulates this view, I don’t know how to defend myself or my gender because I’m not exactly sure what this divine romantic standard entails.

Take opening doors for example. When approaching an entrance with a lady it is a very logical and prudent procedure to open the door for her and hold it while she walks through. It is a gracious indication of respect. But the opening-of-the-door practice confuses me in other instances. Say it is the beginning of a date. The male drives his car up to the house, apartment, or homeless shelter and the woman is waiting outside. Is it rude of the male to not open the door for her? Wouldn’t he look like an overzealous chauffeur scurrying around the perimeter of the car? Or when the woman is dropped off, should the young lad open the house door for her too? Should he go inside to see if there are any other doors that need opening? It’s understandable that when doors were very heavy and possibly made of large boulders it was a very valiant and cordial gesture to move that obstruction. Now that doors open so easily, some are even automatic, it would seem almost insulting to the woman to jump out and open up.

In reality, if social standards asserted that men were expected to open every door, drawer, cabinet and cupboard for women, most would do it. This is why the phrase “chivalry is dead” doesn’t make sense. Sure there will always be the rebellious faction, but for the most part, guys will do most anything to gain the affection of a woman. Seriously- anything.

Recently, I read a book called The Game. I know, congratulations, I read something; stop bragging. But while it’s amazing that I actually sat down and finished a piece of literature, the content was even more amazing. The writer, Neil Strauss, prefaces by explaining that, until the beginning of the book’s story, he was a fairly successful writer, but much less triumphant romantically. On one book assignment he went on tour with Motley Crue and couldn’t manage to obtain even a sympathetic hand job amid the drugs, sex and chaos of a true-blooded rock & roll environment. His book details his odyssey into the “pick-up artist community,” a bizarre and outlandish collection of otherwise socially inept individuals who have banded together to compare theories used in their quest for the opposite sex.

Strauss immersed himself in the “pick-up artist lifestyle” and began to study under one of the “gurus.” (For real, they are called gurus. Forget the Dalai Lama, he doesn’t get you laid.) Basically, these “artists” break down each social interaction with a female into a series of steps. There are established lines and actions to be used during each step and, much like poker, they have to “read” the cues of their “target” in order to react accordingly. They basically treat women like they are adversaries in a video game. One of the “steps” is to showcase their value as a potential mate. Somehow, they have settled on magic tricks as being the most effective method. I’m really not kidding. They would go out to clubs with little backpacks filled with “illusions” and all other goodies. When someone has a bag in which a condom is sitting next to a magic wand, it might be time to revaluate some life decisions.

Remarkably, due to Strauss’ natural intelligence and the apparently knowledgeable guidance of his instructor, he transformed himself into what the community termed a “master pick-up artist.” He was identified by his peers as the best in the world. Even though one can only go by what is detailed in the book, the majority of his story seems to ring true. Adding authenticity to the story was the show on VH-1 called “The Pick-Up Artist” that centered on a guru called Mystery. (Mystery, by the way, is his “pick up artist name,” and he apparently uses it in public. Imagine introducing your boyfriend Mystery to your parents.) This is the actual guru whom Strauss befriends and enumerates about for the majority of his book and was the person who came up with the magic trick idea. He has many other theories as well.

One of them is called “peacocking.” This involves wearing clothes that make one stand out from other men. His reasoning is that women have all types of fashion that they use to create a distinctive style while men are more restricted in this sense. There is a reason for this: we are men. Check out the show sometime to see how he peacocks. Often, he will wear a top hat, in the vein of Abraham Lincoln, except it is completely covered with fur, in the vein of Boy George. Other times he just wears a simple ski hat…with ski goggles nestled on top of his head. Inside. In California. They don’t even appear to be ski goggles that are for sale in any stores. I think they have to be specially ordered from some ski company in The Matrix.

The fact is that he dresses like this and uses all those funny words because he has found that it works with some women. As mentioned before, men will do anything they find effective. Women always talk about finding their “knight in shining armor.” I’m warning you right now, be careful what you wish for. Next thing you know, you’ll walk into a bar and see a table of men, dressed head to toe in silver alloys and metal mesh shirts, in the middle of July- with their lances stowed under the table.

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